Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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