Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
