Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
