I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
