I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
