I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
