wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
