I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
