Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
