a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
