I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
