Pappa wants mamma naked
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
