The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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