So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
