thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
