Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
