I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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