the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
