I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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