I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
