I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
