Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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