I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
