He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
ttyl tear gas
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
