we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
