I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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