just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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