he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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