Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
