Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
