I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
