Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
