The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
