then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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