I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
