I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
