i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The power of my boobs compel you
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
