We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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