Sry I called you an 8
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
