If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
