Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
