I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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