So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
