the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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