A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
