Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
