How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
