You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
