mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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