I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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