we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
