he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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